New Airline Rules~Effective Immediately !

Attendant; Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir.  May I see your ticket?

Passenger:  Sure

Attendant: You're in seat 12-B.  That will be $5, Please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to 'sit.'

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Never the less, we are now charging a 'seat locator fee' of $5.  It's the Airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard.  I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight or not?

Passenger:  Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you.  My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy.  Would you like me to stow it in the overhead for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem.  Up we go and done!  That will be $10, please.

Passenger:  What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 'carry-on assistance fee.'

Passenger: This is extortion.  I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand.  You need to sit and fasten your seat belt.  We're about to push away from the gate.  But first I need that $10.

Passenger: 'NO WAY!'

Attendant Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshall.  And you don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not?  Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 'Air Marshall hailing fee.'

Passenger: Oh, all right, here take the $10.  I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir.  Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes, it's really stuffy in here and my overhead fan doesn't work.  Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir.  Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first 5 minutes.

Passenger:  The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir.  Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge.  It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters.  Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir.  Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only 3 quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 25 cents.

Passenger:  For crying out loud.  All I have left is a lousy quarter.  What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang on to it.  You'll need it later for the lavatory.