Saturday, December 13, 2008


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn in to an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.


a corgi said...

this is the cutest thing! and I'm all for this too! we're going to hubby's Christmas party for work tonight and I'm going to follow these tips for sure!!!


Just Bill said...

Linda, sounds like good advise to me. Bill

Traci said...

Sounds good to me!

Joann said...

Perfect timing, I'm leaving in just a few minutes... I'll be SURE not to eat ANY CARROTS!! LOL!! I LOVE THIS LIST!!!

garnett109 said...

Oh how I love Fruit cake!
Choke, cough!

Monica said...

LOL fun entry and I whole heartedly agree with # 7 and I follow that rule religiously! ;-)


Lori J said...

To funny Linda, I want to avoid food as I am having trouble getting into the capris for our cruise...yuk..I hate this pooch that comes with old age no matter what. Guess I have to do the sit-ups.
Still -25C tonight and so I am grateful to have a warm little house to be in.


Alberta LORI

Joyce said...

Wonderful tips Linda... lol. You don't need to remind me of any of them. I'm the one that is loading up with any leftovers after the party is over.
Hugs, Joyce

Jimmy's Journal said...

If there's anything that I cannot stand it's fruitcake. I understand that it's hard to make and contains many exotic fruits and nuts, but I'd rather use it as a door stop.


Lisa said...

Sounds like a good plan to me. This is so cute.