Attendant; Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Attendant: You're in seat 12-B. That will be $5, Please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to 'sit.'
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Never the less, we are now charging a 'seat locator fee' of $5. It's the Airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go and done! That will be $10, please.
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 'carry-on assistance fee.'
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push away from the gate. But first I need that $10.
Passenger: 'NO WAY!'
Attendant Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshall. And you don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 'Air Marshall hailing fee.'
Passenger: Oh, all right, here take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes, it's really stuffy in here and my overhead fan doesn't work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first 5 minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir. Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only 3 quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter. What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang on to it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.